Rainbows, Sunshine and Butterfly Bags...

Life truly is magical.

This past weekend my mom asked me to clean out the crawl space of my old room. It's strange the things we hold on to...old photos, old letters and cards, old projects and workbooks, report cards, and all my gymnastics ribbons...but it's even more surprising how we hang on to things emotionally and spiritually throughout our lives. Looking through all my old journals and art projects, there's an essence that's still with me. I know I have changed over the years, but I know I am also the same in many ways.

Something that became apparent to me this weekend was that I have a hard time saying what I want. I'm always the one to say "I don't care" and go along with whatever the other person wants to do. I figure, I can be happy doing anything anywhere, so why should I need to do what I want to do? I think it's good that I can be content in any situation, however, there's something not right about holding in my truth and always allowing others to take charge. Not to suggest that I have no backbone or that I let others lead...in fact, I have a very strong backbone and I am a natural leader, but it's in the small details of life that I often let go of my desires and let other people take over. I've always been a people pleaser, but somehow, this is more than that. This is about not speaking the truth, not thinking that I have a right to be heard, not hearing myself.

There's something so strong and certain within me that I have tended to shy away from. Perhaps it's because this person that knows exactly what she wants is not so likable and I'm afraid that I will push people away if I don't go along with what they want. Maybe I don't listen to this voice because it will lead me in a different direction than I am heading. It could be that I am so accustom to ignoring what I want that I no longer recognize the voice inside.

I was once told that happiness is simple, all you have to do is lead with your heart. But listening to your heart is not always easy, and it's rarely supported by the people and circumstances around you. However, it is imperative that we lead with our hearts. I may be a happy person, but until I start listening more closely to this voice that knows what she wants, I will not be complete.

Looking through all my old things, I see more clearly that a voice has always been there. She is wise, she is my best friend, and she can be quiet. I read through a journal I wrote when I was about 7 years old...I can't count the number of times I apologised to my journal because I didn't write the day before or didn't have time to write out everything that happened. I read and remembered a time when I was told to sit in time-out by my 2nd grade teacher because I was laughing too hard. I read about all my frustrations, confusions, yet an underlying sense that everything was alright, always remained. This is the voice that's always been there.

Life is magical because it reveals these truths to us just when we need them. Life is magical because just when you feel lost, your best friend shows up (maybe at Blockbuster...true story!!!), and the past comes flooding into the present. I thought I knew my inner voice...but it was just the beginning, and she spoke up just in time.