A (Semi) True Story...

There once was a young lady with the whole world open before her, but she did not know how to choose which path would suit her best.

She went to her mother and asked, “Where should I go?”
And her mother said, “come back home where I can feed you, and you will find a man who you can start a family with.”
But the young girl was not sure that this was her path.

So the next day she went to her professor and asked, “Where should I go?”
And the professor said, “You should go to graduate school and advance your degree so that someday you will have a rewarding job and lots of money.”
But the young girl was not sure that this was her path.

So the next day she went to the library. She found the travel section with all the books on all the beautiful places in the world. The librarian saw the girl and asked if she could help. The girl said, “Yes. I am wondering where I should go.”
“Ohh!” the librarian exclaimed, “You should go to the Caribbean where it is summer all year long and all the buildings are painted in bright colors.”
But the young girl was still not sure if this was her path.

The next day the girl went to her yoga teacher and said, “I am so confused. There are so many places I could go in the world, too many options to choose from. I am a very versatile and happy person and I would be glad to go anywhere, but it is so hard to know which one is right.”
The yoga teacher nodded and said, “Yes, the world is big indeed and there are many places one could go.”
“Where do you think I should go?” the young girl asked.
"The only place that truly matters," the yoga teacher smiled, "In".

Form is Emptiness, Emptiness is Form...

Form, Emptiness & Schrödinger's Cat

Many times I have heard the Buddhist phrase: Form is emptiness and emptiness is form. Many times this phrase has been explained, each time, touching upon my interest, holding it there for a moment while I understand, but then the second I think I’ve got it, the paradox seems to win and I relapse into my former confused state of mind. It’s the same thing with math for me. An equation has to be drilled into me countless times before the reasoning sinks in deep enough to stick.

Yesterday I was reading a book, Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, and came to the chapter on “Shunyata” which is the Sanskrit word for nothingness. Apparently, when the Buddha first gave his talk on shunyata, several arhats attending the talk died of heart attacks from the impact of the teaching. I braced myself.

But it was old, familiar waters I was swimming in. The phrase I had heard many times, was repeated on the page: Form is emptiness; emptiness is form. Perhaps it is because I have more life experience now, or maybe the author, Chögyam Trungpa, laid out the truth differently, or it could simply be that it was probably the twentieth time this phrase has been explained to me, but somehow, its meaning finally began to solidify for me.

Trungpa gives the example of a maple leaf falling from a tree onto a mountain stream. This is form. Without labeling the leaf, the tree, the stream, the action still happens, objectively. Were someone not there to witness the leaf falling, it would still happen, and it would still be exactly what it is. Form is simple: it is what is. When we withdraw our labels, our identification with, our subjectivity, then that is when we are left with emptiness. So, all things, when we take away the observer, completely remove our self and our rationalizing mind, then we are left with nothingness, emptiness. It’s simple…once you get it.

The second part of the phrase, emptiness is form, though, challenges this simplicity. It is stating that though the maple leaf, the tree and the mountain stream are empty, they are also form. It is our very attempt to view these things as empty that “clothes them in concept”. The first part of the phrase simply states what is, but the second part of the phrase introduces a broader sense of what is, feeling; feeling the rawness of what is there, recognizing the isness in all forms. So form is emptiness and emptiness is form. After untangling the web around this idea, we can conclude, similarly, that form is form and emptiness is emptiness, because when it comes down to it, things are how they are.

My boyfriend, Will and I were discussing this, and being more scientifically inclined and rational, he mentioned that this is very similar to a popular quantum physics thought experiment, Schrödinger's Cat. Similar to the lesson of shunyata in Buddhism, Schrödinger's experiment fundamentally challenges our subjectivity with regards to how we view reality. It is also a paradox that could give you a heart attack.

Because I am not well-versed in physics like Will, I pulled this explanation of the experiment from http://whatis.techtarget.com/definition/0,,sid9_gci341236,00.html

Here's Schrödinger's (theoretical) experiment: We place a living cat into a steel chamber, along with a device containing a vial of hydrocyanic acid. There is, in the chamber, a very small amount of a radioactive substance. If even a single atom of the substance decays during the test period, a relay mechanism will trip a hammer, which will, in turn, break the vial and kill the cat. The observer cannot know whether or not an atom of the substance has decayed, and consequently, cannot know whether the vial has been broken, the hydrocyanic acid released, and the cat killed. Since we cannot know, the cat is both dead and alive according to quantum law, in a superposition of states. It is only when we break open the box and learn the condition of the cat that the superposition is lost, and the cat becomes one or the other (dead or alive). This situation is sometimes called quantum indeterminacy or the observer's paradox : the observation or measurement itself affects an outcome, so that the outcome as such does not exist unless the measurement is made. (That is, there is no single outcome unless it is observed.)

We know that superposition actually occurs at the subatomic level, because there are observable effects of interference, in which a single particle is demonstrated to be in multiple locations simultaneously. What that fact implies about the nature of reality on the observable level (cats, for example, as opposed to electrons) is one of the stickiest areas of quantum physics. Schrödinger himself is rumored to have said, later in life, that he wished he had never met that cat.

In this experiment, when we take away the observer of the cat, then it is easier to conceptualize that the cat is both dead and alive. That metal box in which they put the cat, is the way we see the world: we think we’ve figured it out because we have a name for everything and we have an opinion about everything, but the truth is that we really don’t know what’s in this metal box of a world we’re living in. Our frame of reference, everything we are basing what we “know” on, is a small fraction of the truth. We do not know what is on the opposite sides of the spectrum of this life, and so we base our knowing on what is apparent. This is form. I am here right now. I am drinking tea. It is form. But the fact that I really don’t know where here is in the great grand scheme of things…that’s emptiness.

Changing Seasons

If there was no calendar to mark the days, I would have noticed sooner that fall was creeping in. A tinge of color appears sporadically in the trees, framing the face of summer with the reminder that this too shall pass. It reminds me of the way a smoker’s hair will turn yellow, or the way the ocean slowly pulls away to reveal its foundation. We can feel it in our bones, like the sap leaking out of the trees; a slow settling into the moment that must come, when the garden withers and dies.

For most of my life, summer was my favorite season. Until I moved away from Maine, I didn’t understand how anyone could favor another season above this one. That’s because I never had a hard time sleeping at night or needed to pay for air conditioning. It’s not that this summer has been awful, but there have been enough uncomfortable days to change my mind. Not to mention, I spent most of my time inside an office building with no windows, so the bitterness has turned sour, and the sour has solidified into surrender.

If summer is life in full bloom and autumn is dying, then what does that say about my changing preference? I love the continual warmth, the freckles, the lusciousness of summer, but I’m anxious for cool, crisp air to breathe, smelling of wood smoke, visiting the apple orchard, sleeping better at night. Fall reminds me of horseback riding when I was younger. Every Saturday my mom would drive me out to Gray where I would take lessons. It was our designated time and it was cherished like the last leaves clinging onto the trees. It reminds me of hiking and the cold feeling of labored breath sitting heavy in the lungs.

It is this time especially—the cusp of summer transitioning into autumn— that has my heart full and anxious. My calendar is busy with commitments, but all I want to do each weekend is run away to a cool, shorter day on a mountain path winding up between reds, oranges, and yellows. And I can’t believe myself—how I used to dread this change.

There was a time, too, when I was an idealist, always positive, always optimistic. This is when I loved summer best. Is there a direct correlation here? Who knows. But it’s been strange that the tide of my life, as it changes, my attitudes my idealism, cools. My heart is still alive and well, but it is seasoned a bit more, and so, perhaps, it longs for a season to correspond to the rich colors that are there now. Perhaps not so perfectly alive and well, a bit more weathered. We’re all dying and I guess that’s not such a bad thing.

Nature dies so easily it seems, just gradually letting go; cutting off one leaf, one branch at a time. The sap, the life energy that rose in the spring, gradually settles down the trunk and then into the ground, underground where the roots hang on tight through the winter. The garden yellows, wilts, dries out; it is picked clean or left to seed. I am having a harder time letting go of my ideals, but I am learning to let go the way the world does, because it doesn’t take the harsh winds and the frosts and the disappearing sun so personally.

We do this, tend to take life and its insults so personally. How can life be so hard, we ask. Why did this happen to me? Why must I suffer and die? I don’t know. But I’m learning that this truth can’t easily be brushed aside and covered up with a positive attitude and sunny outlook. But it’s not something to take too seriously or too personally either.

Though it symbolizes dying in many ways, autumn has its own merits, of course. It is part of the cycle and therefore part of the birthing process just as much as the letting go. In the words of my grandmother, “Life goes on”, and it’s true, no matter which season you prefer or detest, it changes again and again. Sometimes we take this change too lightly, but each stage is pregnant with symbolism and opportunity to embrace the cycle of life.

Ode to the YTT...

Tied together by a golden string
We are a web of smiles
Dancing in a dim-lit room,
Tired from emotional upheaval
All for this moment of joy
Where we can lay down the past
For now, and catch the lightness
In our web, cast it into a darker world.

We came unhinged from the eves
Of an old, unsettled house,
Crawled slowly from the shadows
To this unassuming place
That made us remember our truth.

These threads that bind us
Are stronger than
The holes between.
Through this journey
We've learned to show,
And what it means to be seen.

Empty Space & Yoga Modeling

It's funny. Sitting in the dark morning, half asleep, dreaming, mind wandering and then reeling it back in. Forgiving yourself over and over again for being human and having thoughts rise again and again. I often try to feel my skin--that outermost layer of myself that is the most tangible contact with the outside world. Sometimes, I can actually feel the air on my exposed skin, and I sit there contemplating what it is I'm touching. What I've come to realize, though, is that what I'm touching is not so much outside of myself. Instead, it is holding me together in a solid form; I am only this way because of the space outside--it is not so disconnected. And if I can touch and feel this space, I can touch and feel everything that is not my concrete body. I am connected to the world then, as I sit feeling the air on my skin. I am connected to everything outside of me--which, I suppose, is not really outside, it is just all the same whole.

Can you feel the outside world against your skin? Can you feel yourself be a part of the whole. Can your melt into that indifference and change your mind about what you have come to believe is so solid and unchanging. The intangible becomes tangible when we stop and feel what exists. It's funny because it's always there, our connection to the whole, but we seldom recognize it.


On a completely different note...This is a picture of a postcard for my friend's organic yoga t-shit business in Northern California..I got to do the modeling :)

Yoga in the Woods...

Only after did I realize there was broken glass all over this rock...

No moral to this post. Just avoid broken glass.

This is the first posting in a while, I know. I gave up writing for a bit, and kept thinking that blogging was not for me. But perhaps it was just that life wasn’t giving me the material I needed to be inspired, or maybe I was just too wrapped up with other things to notice.

So far August has been ugly and has thus given me something to grab hold of...though, instead of all the hardship, I wish I had won the lottery or something along those lines. But no. Here I am feeling like one of those cat-hair-sticky-rollers, picking up all this crap, rolling on and on until the shiny, clean, pearly surface has been covered with lint and cat hair and human hair and crumbles and whatever other stuff has been lying around, accumulating on your clothes. Yeah. I’m that roller thingy.

I’m not going to get into the details about why things have been hard lately—I’ve been sworn to secrecy to not say a word about some things—and for those of you who know me well, or even for those of you how just know me—you probably know that I don’t hold stuff in well. I am who I am and I have no secrets. When I have to hold on to something and not tell a soul, I feel like a brick is sitting on my heart. But just to give you an idea of things lately starting with the least serious... my job (my daytime job, which entails sitting at a desk, project managing) has been incredibly busy; we were going to buy a house (we both had fallen in love with), but withdrew our offer because it was taking too long and was a complete headache, which then turned into slight heartache; my aunt is in the hospital with liver failure because she’s an alcoholic and abuses drugs and some people in my family don’t really seem to care because “she brought this upon herself”. There’s more, but that’s the sworn the secrecy stuff... and the hardest.

It’s a funny thing. A friend texted me this morning and said, “It’s kinda awesome how even just teaching yoga makes you feel better!”. She’s completely right. When you’re practicing yoga, you are creating space for yourself. You are quieting your mind about the outside world, and going inside to align things in order for you to function wholeheartedly and compassionately towards the outside. When you are teaching yoga, you drop all your shit and have to be there supporting other people as they deal with their shit. This is why it’s hard to be a yoga teacher. It’s hard to put your stuff aside; it’s hard to touch and assist other people when you don’t feel like there’s anyone there for you; it’s hard to speak from your heart when you feel like yours is sinking. But a good teacher uses the opportunity of teaching to lift themselves up.

Teaching yoga, like taking yoga, is therapeutic. Sometimes we just have to bite our tongue—it just doesn’t matter what you feel or what you think, you have to be there for someone else because without your support that person will fall. I’m usually the kind of person that can’t hold anything in. I always feel entitled to my opinions and my emotions and I feel entitled to expressing them whenever and however I want. Most of the time this works, and this is why I don’t usually carry around a lot of emotional baggage—I’m open. But this is not always the way things need to be done.

This is what my trying past few weeks have shown me. And in a way, it feels good to put my stuff aside, know that though I may feel a certain way—I might feel like I’m going to break if I hang on to this secret or if one more thing hits me—I get my strength from helping support the people that need it. And from this terrible month, I feel I’ve grown as a person.

Sometimes we have to be there for ourselves in order to truly be there for others; and sometimes we must really support other people simply because we can. It doesn’t always feel good, but that's life. It's hard. But it's an honor to live it, still.

*****
I wrote the above before leaving for the weekend. Now I'm back and things seem to have settled, like I knew they would...eventually. Life is constantly cluttered with to-do lists and schedules, and work and worry. Once we're able to cross one thing off the list, another task takes its place. I always used to look ahead, thinking that life would one day simplify itself for me. But as I progress through life, I learn over and over again that this is not the case. The bottom line: life is complicated. It takes a certain finess to juggle everything...but with a steady mind and open heart, though it may not always make life easier, the things that come to be, come to pass. And the world goes on. These little every day stuggles are the means to wake up to the good days or all the extraordinary things that happen on Earth every day...things we consistantly fail to notice, like the moon rising every night, reliably changing shape.